Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
