I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
