Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
