Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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