dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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