I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
