Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
