the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
