So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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