and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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