3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
