remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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