he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
