I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
