I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It was confusing and full of hummus
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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