you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just forgot I was standing up.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
