This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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