I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
