so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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