I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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