And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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