Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
