Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
