my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize