I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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