So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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