A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
