so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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