Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
