Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
