Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
