Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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