There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
