Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
