Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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