Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
