I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
