Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
