So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The police scanner is talking about you again....
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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