I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
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Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
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You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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