Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
