I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
