a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
