i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
