nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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