so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
