I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
