come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
