He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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