We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
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We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
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this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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