It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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