I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
