this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
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He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
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I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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