my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
