im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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