I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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