Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
