$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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