someone get that fucking seahorse.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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