she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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