haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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