Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
